Thursday, April 10, 2014

Big box office

Ever wish you could unsee a movie?

I read the reviews. I knew going in that it wasn't going to be an epic Charlton Heston/Cecil B. De Mille interpretation of Noah and the Ark. But I wasn't prepared for rock monsters, magic seeds, cannons and bad graphics repeating the story of Cain and Abel! It was so close to being a sword and sorcerer-type fantasy movie, I wish they would have taken it one more step and made that film.

Instead we got a meandering, plodding, abrasive movie in search of a genre that was based on names and plot devices suggested by Genesis, and drew on apocryphal sources for supplemental material whenever possible. Not only that, but Russell Crowe sang. Again! Wasn't Les Miserables enough?

On the plus side, there was Hermione.

A lot of folks have said that after seeing this film, they're going to go back and read the story in the Bible, just to refresh their memories. That could be a good thing, right?

Even here in Oregon, theater goers sat in stunned silence when the movie ended. Seriously: dead silence.

It's not the worst movie I've ever seen. But it comes awfully, awfully close.


  1. Wow. I know the purpose of your review was to discourage people from seeing this movie, but it has had the exact opposite effect on me. With a review that bad, I've never wanted to see this complete train wreck more!

    (You should have done what I did, and go to Captain America instead.)

  2. Yep, should've gone with the Capsicle!